The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize