i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
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When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
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i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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