When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
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possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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