The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
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I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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