I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
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Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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