If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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