The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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