i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
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That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
His nipple licking is glorious
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