Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize