First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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