Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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