so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
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I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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