He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
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Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
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WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were trust falling into bushes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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