woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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