a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
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Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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