you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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