i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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