Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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