I bet he comes in French.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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