My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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