After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize