Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize