Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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