I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
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i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
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Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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