I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
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You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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