Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
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Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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