Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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