after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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