did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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