perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
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Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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