A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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