Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize