Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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