im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize