We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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