8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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