I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
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I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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