WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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