The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
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Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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