mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
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Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
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So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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