I want to have your abortion
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
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my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
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