On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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