She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize