Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
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used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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