apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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