Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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