I faked an abortion last night.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize