I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize