So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize