Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
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well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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